I've Never Internet Dated Because There Was No Internet 7 Years Ago Back When I Met My Girlfriend

I often ask my friends what it’s like to meet someone on the internet. Tinder, OKCupid, what-have-you. Must be exciting. Also, must be a drag sometimes? I wouldn’t know, because there was no internet 7 years ago back when I met my girlfriend.

My girlfriend and I are tickled about the idea of meeting each other on the internet. What picture would we have used? What would our bio say? Once we sat down and wrote each other’s internet dating bio as a trust exercise. We just get such a kick out of it.

Of course, we met at the library back when we were in university. Would have been nice for there to be a digital database of ideas back in 2007! But that’s ok, because when I pulled “Reconstruction:1865-1877” off the shelf, there she was: writing (remember writing?) an outline for her impending term paper with a pencil that was down to a nub.

I gave her a new pencil and she gave me the phone number of the house in which she was staying.

“The most important thing is you gotta have thick skin,” said my friend John Townsend once. If that’s the case then I better hold on to this one. I would never be able to handle people being able to see a picture of me and read my interests ANONYMOUSLY and at ANY TIME. And also, what if my interests changed? Or if I changed my appearance? All that outdated information is stored forever on the cloud!

Trying to change the internet is like trying to redesign a lake with a bottle of Poland Spring.

One thing that I am envious of though is the ability (of a single man) to meet many women. My friend John Townsend spends most of our time swiping left or right on Tinder and he gets 15-20 matches every time. Can you imagine having 15-20 possible dates at your fingertips?

When I first laid eyes on my girlfriend, she was the first woman I had seen in a week.

The downside to 15 dates is math. 15X$150 = $2250. And that’s not including second dates! My friend John Townsend said he usually tries to meet girls for coffee or at the park, but she’s a date not my AA Sponsor. I spent well over $200 on my first date with my current girlfriend, and unlike a loan: you’ll get MORE interest down the line if you put up a ton of money upfront.

The internet is a young person’s game anyway. I’m pushing 30 and soon, a surly orderly will be pushing me in a chair with wheels. Or on a hoverboard? So have fun you crazy kids, and most importantly, don’t write anything that might offend a future employer!

Or a future girlfriend.

Like the one I met 7 years ago back when there was no internet.