I hope to one day coach my child's youth soccer team. Here are some details:

* We play the 3-4-3, with my child at the thankless yet crucial Defensive Halfback/Center Fullback hybrid I created just for him/her

* I wear sunglasses, a polo with the team color, dockers, and Sambas

* I give my star players a lot of shit

* I have an assistant that writes down all my notes during the game or practice

* During the game I yell either succinct instructions or "Wake up!"

* I'm extremely nice to all parents before and after the game

* I don't speak to fathers at all during the game

* I am courteous yet terse with mothers during the game

* I hold back praise for my child during the game

* Three moms have a crush on me

* My wife thinks I am too hard on our child and does not have a crush on me

'Til then!