Don't Mess Up Jurassic Park

Hearing that Jurassic Park IV has been fast-tracked is pretty exciting. However, I’ve been hearing some pretty crazy rumors about it. Weaponized dinosaurs? A brontosaurus-raptor mix? A total reboot?!?!


Though we celebrated Jurassic Park’s 20th anniversary a few days ago, all the elements for a successful Jurassic Park sequel lie in the original. Here are 5 major reasons Jurassic Park is the greatest movie of all time:

1. It’s called Jurassic PARK.

An element that’s missing from the later Jurassic Park movies, and for that matter all other dinosaur movies, is the actual gosh darn park. Jurassic Park II and III took place in Isla Sorna. I don’t give a shit about Isla Sorna. Ain’t no park there.

The reason Jurassic Park was so compelling was that everything looked like it was under control. And then when raptors were testing fences and opening doors and emailing, I was like, “oh shit, our technology cannot save us!” Pitting people against dinosaurs in Isla Sorna, the West Baltimore of research labs, makes me less excited because people are definitely fucked out in the open against dinosaurs.

The T-Rex was a lot scarier behind the fence.

2. Jeff Goldblum

I love all of Jurassic Park and the first 5 minutes of Lost World. Why? Jeff Goldblum.

Honestly, Jeff’s Chaos Theory Mathematician doesn’t need to be in Jurassic Park. You could just IM a Chaos Theory Mathematician and ask if a dinosaur park with raptors is a good idea, and he’d be like, “nah…brb.”

Yet, Dr. Goldblum inexplicably comes to the park and pretty much bags Dr. Sattler with his water down the wrist move (this has been in my arsenal for years) and utters the best line of the film, “Life finds a way.”

I didn’t love Dr. Goldblum in Lost World because he seemed to have lost his swag. He spent the movie worried about his daughter, girlfriend, and the baby t-rex, and I just kinda didn’t care anymore. Also, I will never forgive 3 for leaving him out entirely.


3. Dr. Stattler is stupid hot.

Throughout Lost World, I kept wondering why Julianne Moore, who is a hottie, was dressed up in 12 jackets. Is Isla Sorna like 200 miles north of Isla Nublar? Look, if smoking hot Laura Dern wears short shorts in the original, you gotta put on shorter short shorts in the sequel, Julianne.

Also, making Dr. Stattler an old lady with a baby in 3 was such a slap in the face to both me and Dr. Grant.

Come to think of it, everything about Jurassic Park III is a slap in the face.

4. Best CGI Ever

20 years later, no movie has utilized CGI better. From Star Wars to Spiderman to Avatar, you feel like you’re watching a goddamn cartoon. Not so with Jurassic Park. When that T-Rex is about to chomp down on Dr. Jeff Goldblum in the back of that jeep, I still push back in my chair.

5. Jurassic Park isn’t really about dinosaurs.

The moral of Jurassic Park is that technology without ethics will only lead to our own demise. The movie isn’t really about dinosaurs – it’s about scientific perversion. Humans can’t control nature…blah blah blah.

The problem with the sequels was that they left out moral quandary. By the time we got to the third one, Mowgli is throwing smoke bombs. I don’t give a shit about Mowgli throwing smoke bombs.

I want to see Ned’s screensaver announce, “ah ah ah, you didn’t say the magic word.”

I want Muldoon to ask, “the raptor fences aren’t out, are they?”

And finally, but most importantly, I want to see Sam Jackson ask people to “hold onto their butts” before calmly pushing a button. Because that’s all humans can really do! They can only push a button, while raptors and t-rexes and the spitting thing that killed Wayne Knight are all awesome.

What do I not want to see?

An allosaur/triceratops with a missile launcher on his back.