How To Be A Latin Lover: Barely Latin, Even Less Love

The movie begins with main character, Maximo, narrating that as a boy, his father worked hard but still tried to find time to visit his kids. The dad then falls asleep on the drive home and crashes his truck into their house, which then explodes and kills him.

The movie oddly re-begins with him and his sister homeless, living out the back of a station wagon. This is where the Maximo decides he wants to be a gigolo, pointing to a magazine picture and saying he’d rather be a trophy wife than a rich man.

The movie then has ANOTHER prologue, this time with Maximo as an 18 year old hotel worker on the lookout for a rich trophy wife. He finds her.

Cut to 25 years later. Maximo is now lazy and out of shape, overly pampered by his wife’s staff. She cheats on him though with Michael Cera, who oddly doesn’t care that he’s caught. Neither does the wife. And neither does Maximo. In fact, nobody in this movie cares about anything! However, his wife leaves him IMMEDIATELY, even though she seemed perfectly happy about a minute ago, and even though she bought him millions of dollars worth of gifts and they were married for 25 years and she cheated on him (that must have been SOME pre-nup!), she throws him out on the street with nothing.

Now the problem with lazy logic such as this is that now you have nothing real to build off of. If nobody cares, all you have left is cheesy slapstick and bad improv. And man, is there a lot of that.

Maximo moves back home with his sister, Salma Hayek, who he hasn’t spoken to in 25 years. In fact, we learn he missed his mother’s funeral and never met his nephew, which I’d argue is sociopathic behavior. Also, even though she’s Salma Hayek, she is nerdy and pines for her neighbor, just some guy, but she’s nervous because she hasn’t been able to find a guy to have sex with in 5 years.

I really live in the wrong apartment building.

So Maximo concocts a scheme to teach her 10-year-old son, whose father died by the way, to seduce his classmate so he can seduce her rich grandmother. That is the only time Maximo ever even mentions being a latin lover. The rest of the movie he has to play straightman to Rob Lowe, Rob Corddry, and Rob Heubel as they unhilariously banter about shit nobody cares about.

The movie has more monotone, middle-aged white guys than the '53 Yankees.

Not only does this movie suffer from nobody caring about anything and extreme meanness (at one point he tells his nephew, who writes letters to his dead father about his life, “you know he’s not gonna get those, right?” Cue the laughs) but we coulda used a little bit of seduction! Eugenio Derbez is nearly 60 years old, so you won’t really get a young sexy performance out of him. However, it’s as if he’s never seen Julio Iglesias, Raul Julia, Ricardo Montalbon, or any of the other iconic older latin heartthrobs. In fact, the only time he seduces a woman, he’s just polite.

If you want to be a latin lover, Idunno, you gotta do stuff that’s latin! Dancing, talking in Spanish, singing -  something! Let’s see some romance. Let’s see him fail, and succeed, let’s see him care, and let’s see people care about him.

Let’s not see the Robs argue about accidentally ordering a children’s motorcycle followed by Rob Lowe accidentally pulling out a dildo.